There are some lessons in life that I think I am destined to have to learn over and over. But here in a faith filled moment, I want to declare to you the goodness of the Lord as I have seen it, quickly, before I am tempted to doubt again. The topic is: Money, and following the Lord’s leading.
Malachi 3:10 Bring
the whole tithe into the storehouse, so that there may be food in My house, and
test Me now in this,” says the LORD of hosts, “if I will not open for you the
windows of heaven and pour out for you a blessing until it overflows.
My human response to this verse:
Do I have to? Are you sure you meant me Lord? Cause things are kind a falling
apart around here and there isn’t much to go around… Isn’t it the thought that
counts? Cause trust me if I could I would….
In September of 2010, Matt and I
looked around ourselves and realized that we were striving. And more and more
the Lord was laying it on our hearts that we needed a change. Having moved all
the way to New York to pursue Matt’s lifelong dream of attending seminary we
were a little shocked when the Lord made it clear that He had actually finished
what He took us out there for and it was time to go back.
So it was with hope in Him, and yet no
little amounts of confusion (with a hint of disappointment) that we moved back
to California, and into Lynne’s house (Matt’s mother). With 5 unfinished debts.
With a husband whose health was declining, finally coming to a point where he
could no longer work.
When we arrived in CA we had nothing
left. And our first few weeks were full of the thoughts of “well what now?” We
had not yet found a church, but Matt came to me one day saying he felt that we
needed to tithe anyways. I reluctantly agreed (“ya, ya, ‘test me in this’ blah
blah blah…”). So we tithed to a mission that we keep up with and pray for. That
was Friday.
On Saturday we were visited by some longtime
friends of Matt’s who I had never met. They were a sweet couple who love the
Lord, and who know pain, and therefore they had been praying for Matt and me for
some time. Judy, the wife, had started a mission of her own. Gathering together
with a group of women who love to knit, they sell their creations to create
funds that they can send off to whomever they feel led. They call themselves
the Knit Wits. And after telling us about the group, Judy handed us a hefty
check. 24 hours before, I did not know this woman existed, and Matt barely
remembered them from long before.
A few weeks later we were given two
hundred dollars from some friends that I did know. It came with a sweet letter
of care and hope. But a few days later, when yet another friend was telling us
that her car had broken down and she had no idea how she would pay to fix it, I
realized that my heart was telling me to give that money to her. No, MY life is
bad. No, obey the Holy Spirit. When I shared with Matt how I was feeling, he
amazingly replied “I know, I felt that we needed to give it to her also.”
Then the Lord laid something else on
my heart. My home business had become a source of anxiety, discouragement and
frustration for me. It was no one’s fault but my own. As I fought to make it
happen, I was shaking my fist at the Lord, saying “Fine! You won’t do it? I’ll
do it myself cause I’m tough and I can work hard so is this what you want? Me
to do it all? Fine!”
Then,
quietly, as He always speaks, He began saying “Stop it. Just stop”.
“What
stop my attitude?”
“For
sure…and stop striving”
“You
mean stop working?”
“Yes”
“You’re
crazy”.
“I’m
God”
“I’m
going to look stupid and foolish”
“That’s
not what you need to worry about. You need to listen to Me.”
“So
then what do I do?”
“I’ll
provide for you. You love people, and that is why you liked that job at the
beginning. You love to talk with people and serve them. That’s what I made you
to do. So just do that.”
So I did. And letting it go hurt.
Matt and I were part of our church’s
VBS, and I began volunteering at our Church’s Preschool. I also started
watching my neighbor’s daughters for a few hours a week. I let them choose what
they could afford to pay.
We are cracked, earthen vessels.
When the Lord puts His treasure in us, it should pour out. Whether that means
His love and glory, His care for others, or even the money that really belongs
to Him. He will fill us back up, and to overflowing.
During this time I also started to
run. Literally. Which is weird cause I hate running. But I have found that it
is a great time to talk with the Lord. On the way up this one hill, right when
I feel like my lungs are about to give and Rebecca is going to have to drag me
home, I get real honest with my Savior. And it’s not always pretty. But neither
is running.
It was during a run one day that I
told the Lord a few things. It started with “God I am trying to do this, but it
is hard. I feel alone. I feel drained. I’m trying to trust You, and serve You,
and serve my family, and read the Bible, and be a good mom, and and and!” But
He said nothing. A few minutes later I said “And another thing! How come I suck
at running? Seriously! Why am I even doing this? I don’t feel any different! I’m
trying to be healthy so that I have energy and I just don’t think it’s working!”
This time He did answer.
“Corrie, I delight in you. I like
you. And by the way, you are over-striding. Take smaller steps. If you can’t
run the whole trail, just walk it for a while. Do what you CAN do, and let me
TRAIN you to do more.”
Oh Jesus, how do you do that??? He
had just answered BOTH of my questions. How do I go on? Where do I get my
strength? Answer: Slow down, and do what you can. Do it diligently, but don’t beat
yourself up, allow grace to cover you.
A few weeks later running up that
hill I blurted out a few more things. “Jesus. Help. I can’t see the end of this
path. I just need to know that You can see it.”
“Oh I see it. And I am already
there. AND I am here. Right here running with you. Crying with you. Holding you
up when you list to one side or the other. I’ll run you there.” Such comforting
words! I craved more…and running was becoming a habit.
Several days later I said “Ok, I
trust you. But I’m sorry, I need a sign. Please show me that you are there at
the end of the trail!”
That day He said nothing. But when we were done with the run, we met up with
friends at the park for a while, and then grabbed the mail as we headed home.
As I flipped through the pile, a familiarly sized, taped shut envelope fell
into my hand. Several weeks before Matt and I had received an unmarked envelope
filled with 20s and only a simple verse written inside. We were completely
blessed by it, but never expected more. It turned out to be the first of 6 or 7
of these envelopes. All written in the same hand, with similar and incredibly
meaningful and poignant verses written in them. Receiving these letters never
got old.
(I hope whoever sent those letters
has been blessed beyond measure. And if you read this one day, please know that
your example of selflessness and generosity has humbled us, and brought us
closer with our Lord.)
In November, after 5 months of
learning to trust the Lord, He provided me with another job. One where Rebecca
comes with me, and loves it. Where
she has friends who treat her like a sister. Where I get to serve children and
laugh and play with them and delight in each of them. Where I get to mentor
young adults as they learn to serve the Lord too. Where I come home, sometimes
with a headache, but always with
stories of their silly antics and how they bless me.
In December, before I had actually
started my job, the World Vision Catalog came. It’s the one that has pages and
pages of pictures of bunnies and goats and cows and school supplies, and shows
how a chicken can turn a family’s life around. I am not usually a crier, but
this magazine made me cry, and that was a good indication that I needed to take
action. When I told Matt that I had cried he said he had too, which really wasn’t
news to me…Matt’s a *crier (*printed with permission).
So then we deliberated…do we give
now, or after Christmas when maybe some gift money has rolled in? If we do this
now, we probably won’t be able to afford gifts for each other this year. Maybe
after my first paycheck? Or maybe??? But the pressing of the Holy Spirit said
to do it now.
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